Warning: This post has strong language and is about alcohol.
Buy a 1.75 liter of your favorite alcohol. You'll need it all. Do not buy shitty vodka. It's just bad and it'll ruin Russia's greatest invention. Apparently, there is some debate over who invented vodka.
Buy appropriate mixers for said alcohol.
Get shot glasses ready.
Invite friends over. Only alcoholics drink alone.
Get bottles of water. You'll need it.
Make yourself a mixed drink. Mentally prepare yourself for an intense night of drinking and yelling at the television over things that make absolutely no sense.
Turn off cell phone. You'll be hammered. Friends don't let friends drunk text or dial.
Each candidate has certain rules that if they happen to do these things, then you and your friends have to chug hard alcohol Ron Donald (Party Down) style. I'll break down each candidate by what you have to do when each candidate does these things.
If Santorum says Romney is not a true Christian because he is a Mormon, you are fucked. Chug it down Ron Donald style. I should've mentioned before that you should have a 1.75 per every three people.
If Santorum makes a remark about gay marriage that you agree with, take a sip of water.
Take a drink of your mixed drink whenever Santorum mentions he is a Catholic.
Take a shot when Santorum tells the story about his poor child who has a birth defect or disease.
Take a drink of your mixed drink whenever he does not answer the question asked by the moderator.
Take a drink of your mixed drink whenever Rick Santorum questions someone's Christian values.
Take a shot when Santorum states that we are losing our values.
If Ron Paul dies chug your hard alcohol.
Take a drink of your mixed drink whenever Ron Paul talks. This asserts that your civil liberties are not being taken away.
If Mitt Romney sings a song from the Book of Mormon. You have to chug your hard alcohol.
Take a drink of your mixed drink whenever Romney says a variant of the phrase "as Governor of Massachusetts."
Take a drink of your mixed drink every time Romney is clearly defensive about something someone says.
Take a drink of your mixed drink every time Romney smiles. Since he is a robot, this will not happen.
Take a shot if he mentions his book. Reading is for chumps.
Take a drink of your mixed drink when he talks about the immigration law that he signed.
Take a shot when Romney questions the values of America and/or the other politicians.
Take a sip of water whenever you think Romney is not listening. This is whenever he is not talking. Feel free to drink water.
If Newt Gingrich calls Barack Obama a Muslim, chug your alcohol.
Take a drink of your mixed drink whenever Gingrich puts his smug smile on is face.
Take a shot when Gingrich questions the conservative values of the other.
Take two drinks of your mixed drink if Gingrich mentions the moon colony.
Take a drink of your mixed drink whenever Gingrich says something that is not true. Use PolitiFact to double check.
Take a drink of your mixed drink when Gingrich talks about immigration issues.
Take a drink of your mixed drink when Gingrich says a variation of the phrase "as speaker of the house".
Take a sip of water when Gingrich thinks he's smarter than the rest of them. Feel free to drink water.
Take two drinks of your mixed drink whenever Gingrich uses any variation of the phrase "as a historian".